


The Breaking Dawn

by Anonymous



Series: Winter is Coming [3]
Category: Game Grumps, The Long Dark (Video Game)
Genre: Emetophobia, F/M, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Just to warn anyone, Mentions of Murder, Miscarriage, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Suicidal Thoughts, Unplanned Pregnancy, reader throws up a lot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-23
Updated: 2017-12-09
Packaged: 2019-02-05 23:20:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 21,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12804579
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Dan had survived the worst experience he possibly could, but in doing so can he go back to the life he knew before?





	1. Ballad of the Dying Man

I was in the hospital for about a week. Surgery had gone well on my feet and I was hobbling around slowly but surely, lotions and creams, care instructions, and medication all packed up for me with a suitcase of too many clothes that my mom had brought for me, none of which fit anymore, but it gave her the excuse to take me out shopping which was one of her favourite things to do even if it was one of my least. But it was nice spending time with her, even if I still hated looking at myself in the mirror.

For a different reason now.

I’d lost 30% of my original body weight, I’d been a little heavier than I needed to be, but maybe by only 5% or 10%, and even dropping that much over the space of a month and change wouldn’t have been healthy or safe. I looked ill no matter what I wore, haunted, too thin, and nothing I wore helped me feel warm.

Dan had lost almost the same, maybe a little less, but he had less to lose. He’d been underweight to begin with so losing even a little wasn’t good for his health and the added two weeks he had to stay for doctors to monitor his infection and his weight was evidence of that. 

I’d refused to leave until he did, not the hospital but Winnipeg. My parents had tried to pressure me to come back home with them once I’d been released, but I refused. I got anxious even that first night without Dan, sitting up in the hotel room I was sharing with them, hidden away in the bathroom to avoid my Dad’s snoring but also to chat with Dan via text. My parents were concerned, after all technically I had only known Dan a pretty short time to be this attached, however they did understand not being able to sleep when a loved one was gone. After over 30 years of marriage between them they couldn’t sleep well without the other one there either.

We had nearly 40 nights to develop our habit. 

More than enough time.

My father had driven back home after a few extra days there, he needed to go back to work and while he was glad I was back and had permission from his boss to take all the time he needed, he was at his limit of being able to stand sitting around not doing anything all day.

I could understand the sentiment, going stir crazy at the hospital and hotel.

I still had to stay.

Dan’s friends came and went while he was in the hospital, his parents staying in the same hotel as mine, we all kept an allotment of rooms and swapped out probably driving the hotel staff insane but it was a confusing time for everyone and a lot was up in the air for how long people were staying and who would all show up. 

16 days after we’d been rescued I sent my mother home with my cousin. She didn’t want to go but she also didn’t want to stay any longer and I would not- could not leave Dan. Anxieties aside we also were dealing with the fact that we were witnesses of murder, and victims of attempted murder, the soul living perpetrator had been located and we needed to stick around.

Less for that and more also for me to help Dan’s family navigate how to get his passport back, they probably didn’t need my help but it gave me something to do. 

On the 23rd day of being saved Dan was able to leave the hospital.

He still hadn’t gotten his passport back so it wasn’t like he could leave, things were starting to clear up with the police, no one was pressing charges from the various placed we’d broken into with the exception of the gas station, however since drugs had been found there and the owners were both found dead at the farm and they were the ones who’d tried to kill us it was a complicated legal problem which no one wanted to really press to punish either of us.

It gave Dan’s friends and coworkers time to make the long drive all the way up from California to come see him, unable to wait any longer for him to be released from Canada to come back home to them.

I was new to all of them, but they were all old friends to me. 

The moment you saw them I knew who each one was, Dan had described each person in detail over our time together and I knew them like they were family.

It was a bit awkward at first, although Dan had been texting them about me from the hospital once they arrived on the day of his release there was a few minutes of tension after they bust into Dan’s room. Of course there was the usual series of crying and hugging followed by more crying before everything calmed down and Dan’s eyes met mine making me cross the room to take my place at his side with a bit of a shy smile while he introduced me and I said all their names without prompting getting not handshakes but pulled in for hugs once it was made clear who I was. 

“Thank you.” Arin whispered in a harsh choke pulling me in for a crushing hug. “Thank you, thank you, thank you.”

I squeezed him back, mostly because he was just surprisingly comfortable to hug. 

“For what?”

“You brought Dan back to us.” He pulled back, misty eyed and grinning letting Suzy take his place in her turn for a hug and whispered gratitude. “Dan said if it wasn’t for you he wouldn’t have made it.” Arin continued to speak.

I embraced Suzy maybe a little longer than usual for strangers, she smelled really nice. “I wouldn’t have made it without him either.”

Dan snorted. “I would have been dead in the cold on day one if you hadn’t hauled my ass out of there.”  
“And I would have died after falling into the ice if you hadn’t dragged my fat ass out of that lake and carried me to the cabin.” I shot back getting a stiffer hug from Barry and Ross listening to our banter while I was passed around the room. 

“Holy shit fuckin’ what?” Ross cut in pulling back to look at me and then Dan.

“It’s a really, really fucking long story.”

One that we could gently joke about between the two of us, but it was still a little too fresh, too raw, to go into the details of just yet.

Deftly changing the topic Dan kept the chatter a little lighter, asking instead about everyone else, about plans and goals now that he was back. Getting up and getting help to be wheeled out of the hospital, everyone moved the gathering to the hotel, with so many people, family, friends, it was too much. I couldn’t help it, that the noise became overwhelming, the laughter too loud, that there would be just too many people around me. 

They were all in one large room, chatting and catching up, Dan the centre of all their attention allowing me to slip away, leave the room without saying anything. People were avoiding talking directly about what Dan had gone through, talking about everything else, catching him up on the life he’d missed, a life that I wasn’t a part of.

I needed the quiet but at the same time I couldn’t stand being alone. 

My family had come, had celebrated my return, but I wasn’t some central hub of their existence like Dan was. Their jobs kept going, their worlds kept spinning without me there, a few weeks of mourning losing me and they’d moved on, a few weeks of joy at my return to the same result.

Dan was a cornerstone for not just me, but so many people. Not just those who were here but listening to their stories also hundreds of thousands of fans who had been waiting just as worried for his return.

Meanwhile I laid on my rented bed and wondered if I even had a job to return to or if I’d already been replaced. What were the contractual legalities with the teachers union in the case of returning from the dead?

I didn’t hear the knock on the door, my head under the pillow in a nest of blankets. I had the heater on full blast and yet I was still perpetually freezing.

I hated winter.

“Baby?” A creek as the bed dipped pulled me out from my cocoon. “Sorry did I wake you?”  
“No I wasn’t sleeping.” Nor was I surprised he was in my room, technically he had his own, but I’d given him a keycard to mine. I knew there was going to be an awkward shuffle of bodies to be done tonight to make sure everyone had a place to sleep, but more than that, neither of us had really slept except when I’d lay beside him at the hospital during the day and we’d finally nap.

So I expected him to join me at some point or another. 

“Too loud?”

I nodded and he pressed his lips to my forehead understanding perfectly how I was feeling. 

It had been the two of us and a long expanse of silence for a very long time, we were both still acclimating. 

On the 28th day Dan got his passport, and plans were set for everyone to go home, his co-workers were heading back to California except Arin who would drive with his family back to Jersey, and either drive, or possibly fly with him back to California. 

People had given us sly smiles seeing how we’d shared a room but didn’t really say anything about it. We were still avoiding talking about what had happened, which included talking about what exactly our relationship was.

Even though we shared a bed it was like we’d regressed back to when we’d first met, sharing a bed for warmth and comfort. The tenderness was still there, Dan was caring and gentle which was just his nature, but it was different than before. There was a wall building between us as the hours counted down to when I knew he would leave and I knew I could not follow.

Another thing that we hadn’t really talked about but just knew, that we weren’t leaving together, that thousands of kilometres would soon separate us and I didn’t know if or even how whatever it was that we had, if we even had anything at all, would work.

“I’ll call you once I get home.” He promised our final night together.  
“You have my parents number?”  
“Yeah, and I’ve got your e-mail, once we’re both back home, we’ve got skype.”  
“Mmn. Let me know when you get a new phone yeah?”  
“Of course.”

Soft assuring whispers, fingers tracing across one another’s faces, bodies pressed together late into the night.

When dawn finally came.

It felt like a goodbye.


	2. Sleepless

Dan was up. 

He’d napped on the drive home, leaning up against Arin while Avi drove or switching to the front seat to let his long legs out in Deb’s car. It was a long trip back and he felt a little bit surreal, listening to the music, talking lightly with his parents, sometimes he’d be in a space of not quite awake and not quite asleep and think that he was back on a road trip with Avi only to wake up and stare vapidly out a window trying to hold onto that feeling of calm and peacefulness he found in the memory before reality came crashing back at him.

He didn’t text her the entire time.

His phone buzzed here and there, probably in the spaces when she stopped for gas, he knew she was driving home to her parents place solo to pick up her own car before going back to her own home, but these were things they discussed before they parted. 

A part of him was hoping that once things were out of sight they’d be out of mind, that he’d be able to fade back into work, into life, and all the creeping darkness of what he’d been through would just go away. He couldn’t look at his phone, because that would involve looking at his hands, and even though he was wearing gloves which gave the illusion of all 10 fingers, once he tried to hold the phone to text then the image would be lost and he’d be reminded again that the ghost sensations in his right hand were fake.

It was nice being home, a little weird with Arin there but not in a bad way, just different. Some people were tip-toing around him, he knew they wanted to ask questions, wanted a daring tale of surviving the impossible, or maybe just didn’t want to know and didn’t know what to say. Arin wasn’t like that, he’d joke, he’d throw it in his face for a laugh, he knew where Dan’s lines were and he’d dance along them to get a reaction which while sometimes uncomfortable did help melt the walls that Dan had put up to help himself survive. 

Dan knew he was different now, that he was a bit slower to laugh, that he was more quiet, that he’d space out ten times more…  
That there was a new clawing hunger in him that he didn’t really want to fight.

He’d been clean for so long, his body couldn’t really handle this kind of shit anymore, but he needed something to take the edge off his memories.

To help him sleep.

He’d nap a little bit, the first night he just pissed around on his computer the whole night, was tired and jittery the next day, then found himself watching TV on the sofa until Mom came out to make herself a morning cup of tea and spotted him already in the kitchen.

“Did you sleep at all?” She could tell by just looking at him that he wasn’t there because he’d suddenly become an early riser. 

“Nah, but don’t worry about it, just- I dunno just can’t sleep.”

It earned him a look but she didn’t say anything, he’d doze through the day, in the car with Deb while running errands, with Arin on the sofa while he watched TV or played a game, if someone else was next to him he could comfortably fall into a light nap, but once night fell and he was alone in his room he felt like he was being choked. 

It felt like that night that she’d been gone all over again.

He didn’t know where she was, or what she was doing, if she was okay, he assumed she made it to her parents place, but this was even worse than when she was gone.  
He didn’t have alcohol to calm him.  
And the only one stopping him from contacting her was himself.

Dan had no idea where he got this hair-balled scheme that if he didn’t contact her, that things would get better faster.

Like she was the one reminding him of everything he went through, like she was the source of anxieties and not comfort, that by pushing her away he’d get over the fact that he’d gone through something horrific faster.

She did remind him, in a way, but it was her absence that was making it worse and he didn’t know why he was punishing himself by refusing to text her back.

He sat up staring out the window, phone in hand, feeling sick to his stomach that whole night thinking about it.

The next day he contacted a friend to hook him up.  
The next night he wasn’t sure if he’d slept or not, he was too baked to even tell, ‘waking up’ with a weirdly nostalgic feeling of stoner hangover.

Arin took one look at him and didn’t say anything, but didn’t really talk to him that whole morning.

Deb looked sad, Mom looked understanding. He couldn’t read Avi, there was something resigned in his look, something understanding.

No one said anything, Dan was a twitchy exhausted wreck the whole day.

He was sitting on the back porch with a joint at about 1am when Avi came out. Dan hadn’t lit it yet, his eyes were closed and he was trying to do old breathing exercises, to find that peace in himself that he used to have.

He was cold, and no matter what he did he just felt constantly cold, and with the cold came fear, every car that passed by, every creak of the house, he just couldn’t focus, couldn’t think, but couldn’t rest.

Avi stood behind him quietly for a while before settling next to him, not really saying anything but Dan did feel a bit better having someone next to him, feeling the heat of his father’s body he leaned in closer craving the comfort. 

“Ehh Dan… You’re a man and you’re my son. I uhh, I never wanted uh, bad things to happen to you.”  
“I know Avi.”  
“I know your look. I saw in war many uhh many looks like yours.” Avi leaned closer taking Dan’s good hand in his own, “You need to uh. Talk to someone?”  
“Yeah, Yeah I know, I’ll be seeing my therapist when I get back to LA.”  
“Good, good, and uh, your girlfriend?”

Dan tipped his head side to side because he didn’t really know what to say there.  
“I haven’t really spoken to her in a while.” He mumbled.  
Avi looked at him, tilting his head. “You were very close before?”  
Dan pulled his hand gently out of his fathers, looking out over the lawn still covered in patches of snow, something he felt weirdly familiar with and yet a sense of unease.

“She uhh makes you think? Reminding?”

Nodding Dan rubbed the spot where his fingers once were. There were too many things that reminded him of out there, which all made him this of her as well, and he didn’t know what to do with those feelings.

“You should call. She know your eh- feeling too. Same look, but she look at you?” Avi’s hands made an opening motion like something exploding or dissolving into smoke. “Only love when she look at you. Shouldn’t throw that away, love is always good, love is best for this.”

Dan’s chest ached, maybe that was half his problem, getting so caught up in himself, wanting to suffer through everything. His father was right, Dan had always found most comfort in supporting and being supported by others, closing himself off never helped.

Snubbing out his joint he threw an arm around Avi giving him a tight squeeze. “You’re right. I’m being a dumbass and you’re right.”  
“I know, I’m always right but uh, don’t let your mother know I think that eh?” With a conspiring wink Avi got up helping Dan to his feet as well going inside with him. 

With his dad back to his own bed Dan was still up, not yet able to go to sleep, fiddling with his phone instead feeling guilt for the array of missed messages he’d been pointedly ignoring.

/on the road now. I guess you are too, let me know when you get in./  
/halfway there/  
There was an image of a lemon and a pear which made Dan snort and that pain in his chest grow a little.  
/you probably konked out from all the good drugs they gave you at the hospital huh? well my cuz is driving and I’ve got a $2 smutty novel from the truck stop so prepare your body for all the shitty quotes./

Dan covered his mouth reading through the pages she sent him images of, her middle finger pointing to the lines of interest that were horribly written and the various euphemism for penis they came up with.

/home safe, you guys back yet?/  
/hey you guys back yet?/  
/Dan is everyone okay?/  
/Dan c’mon please call me?/  
/please just fucking let me know you’re alive./  
/please be ok, please just be okay./

/fuck you/

The last one hurt but he knew he deserved it. She’d probably gotten confirmation from Arin or Deb, or even Suzy that Dan was home safe and sound and was just ignoring her. Hell Arin could have even told him that she’d called and he wouldn’t have noticed he was in such a fucking space all day.

/Hey, are you still up?/  
He waited a little but wasn’t expecting a reply.  
/I’m sorry I’ve been an asshole and not messaging you back, I’ve been just a fucking sad sack of shit the last few days. I’m really sorry./  
The little bubbles popped up telling him that she was there, listening, poised to text back, but it took a long time before all he got back was the middle finger emoji.

/ok I deserved that. Can I talk with you on skype? Please?/

He stared at his phone for a long time, the little bubble gone, no reply while the clock ticked. Arm flopping down he laid back onto his bed throwing his bad arm over his eyes trying to let himself down calmly.

‘You don’t call a girl you were attached at the hip to for like four fucking days what did you expect? Writings on the wall and you’re the one that put it there.’

These thoughts did the opposite of calm him, that dark void in his chest opening up again, his eyes prickling with tears.  
‘Stop it, stop fucking crying you pussy, it’s your fault, it’s all your fault she doesn’t want to talk to you, you fucking pushed her away like the fucking dumbass you are, you didn’t deserve her, you don’t even deserve to be—‘

He nearly jumped out of his skin when his phone started buzzing against his chest, a skype call coming in. Dropping his phone a few times he finally opened the call grinning as her face appeared on the screen however small and pixilated it was a rush of relief just to see her.  
“Hey.”  
“Hey.” Her greeting was a lot more terse. 

“I’m sorry.” Jumping right in Dan sat up properly bowing his head in shame. “I’m sorry I fucked up, I shouldn’t have ignored you, I- I’m doing that thing again, where I blame you for my own shit so I don’t have to deal with it and I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry.”

Barreling along, yammering because she wasn’t saying anything Dan kept going, he talked about how he couldn’t sleep, how he missed her being there, her smell, how she made him feel warm, how cold he was all the time without her there. He talked about how he was smoking pot again, how he hated it, hated how he felt, was terrified of going back down that path because he didn’t know what else to do. How Arin looked at him like he was broken, how his family was worried, how he felt so disconnected with everything. 

He was crying by the end, ugly heaving sobs barely making any sense while he just talked saying random words all punctuated by his need to apologize, to explain, to get her forgiveness. 

When she started talking, just hearing her voice after even just a few days away, it was like feeling the sun after a month of rain.

He listened, drinking in her words while she talked softer, slower, about how sad she was when he ignored her, how scared she had been that something had happened, that he might have been gone, that on top of that hearing from Suzy that he was fine but was choosing not to talk to her broke her heart. 

“Dan I can’t do this- I can do an us if this is how it’s going to be. I don’t- Dan I love you, I really, really do but I can’t—“  
“I’m sorry, fuck I’m so sorry baby I’m sorry, I promise- I promise I’ll do better I will, I love you too, fuck I really- I really do. Please tell me we can work this out? Please I need you, I need something, anything, please—“  
“Shh, shh it’s okay, it’s…” She sighed and he watched while she moved, arranged herself and her computer so she was laying on her bed. “Lay with me okay?”

It took a bit longer for Dan to arrange himself, grabbing his phone charger to plug in and arrange his pillows so her image was right in front of his eyes.  
“Are we still in this together?”  
“Yes.” He breathed feeling instant relief at knowing she was still there, no matter how far they might be physically, that she still had his back.  
“When are you going back to LA?”

Dan talked then of future things, that Arin was flying back first because Dan needed just a little more time with his family, and that he would be joining in a week or so. She talked of wanting to come see him, of not being able to sleep without him there, of being perpetually cold.  
He mentioned how he felt the same.

Their words turned to sleepy mumbles, the space between them getting longer, he watched as her eyes fluttered shut and turned up the volume on his phone so he could hear her breathing. 

Lulled by the familiar sound his eyes closed and he fell into a blissful dreamless sleep.

——

“Dan? Yo Danno you u—“ Arin stopped himself short from yelling as he opened the door to Dan’s bedroom and saw for the first time the older man completely unconscious. It was past breakfast and considering that Dan had been the first one up (or had not slept at all) the last few days it worried Arin when his friend was missing. Avi wasn’t concerned but Deb asked Arin to check in on Dan just to make sure.

He had been worrying everyone lately.

“Arin?” A tiny voice called to him, but it wasn’t Dan’s. Stepping closed Arin saw Dan’s phone was on, slipped off the pillow he picked it up, the thing was broiling hot from being in use the whole night. 

Arin frowned at Dan, thinking of how his bed could have caught on fire, after all that was known to happen. “Oh hey.”  
“Hey Dude, hows it going?”  
“Good good.” Arin unplugged the phone and slipped out of the room, he knew Dan needed the sleep. “How’s things with you?”

Arin liked her, she could be a bit quiet, more introverted at times, but was one of those people that didn’t mind his sense of humour and when it came to making dirty jokes was right up there with him half the time, especially when it made Dan squirm.

They chatted for a few moments as he walked back into the kitchen, letting her also say hi to the rest of the Avidan clan mentioning that Dan was asleep and hopefully would start to feel a bit better. Getting the dates on Arin’s travel plans and a rough ballpark of Dan’s she finally let them all go prodding Arin to make sure Dan didn’t go MIA again. 

Arin couldn’t really tell from the look of her on the phone, but she sounded as tired as Dan did.

But at least when he stumbled out of his room that afternoon he looked a lot better than he had in a while.

“Have you seen my phone?”  
“Yeah, I was using it to look at porn.” Arin said with a grin pointing to the counter where he’d left it  
“Gross bro. I better not get any viruses, or a sticky home screen.”  
“What? Can’t I shoot my hot goo all over while watching you sleep I MEAN UH—“  
Dan started laughing, a legitimate belly laugh that spiralled a little out of control. Not a scary one, but one where he was happy, he was laughing out of actual joy that he hadn’t really felt in a long time making Arin join in with him while they kept the gag going until Dan was on the floor hiccuping. 

It had been too long, and it made Dan yearn to go home.

—  
/Hey you up?/  
/yeah/  
/I didn’t wake you did I?/  
/nah cant sleep?/  
/No, I can’t. Is it clingy of me to say I miss you?/  
/thank fuck u said it first i miss u too./  
Dan grinned, they’d been chatting every night but for the sake of giving each other space their contact was generally kept to the evenings, sometime around 9:00 for him but midnight for her.  
/Ok, I can’t stand how you text. Skype call me?/  
/IM S0RRY IZ MY TXTSPK 2 1337 4 U?/

She replied with about three lines of emoji middle fingers while he flipped open his laptop to call her.  
“Mmm~” His voice came over the line sultry and deep “You called 1-800-spank-me how can I pleasure you toni-“ It would have been hot if it hadn’t ended in a burp. “Ugh s’cuze me, I am so full.”  
“Still gettin’ in mama’s cookin?”  
“You know it, I had a hard time gaining weight to begin with, my whole family has the excuse to pull out all their Jewish grandmother instincts with slipping me snacks ‘Danny you too skinny oh may gawd just waisting away here!’” He slipped into an accent gently mocking his well meaning friends and family who were trying their best to fatten him up.

“I come from a long line of fat Italians so I totally understand. I’m almost glad I was able to get away from my Mom’s, it was a weird torture of ‘You’ve lost so much weight you look good in everything’ and ‘you’re too skinny! You should have more bread.’” She joked back settling her computer down on the bed so they could lay there while looking at each other. 

It wasn’t perfect but Dan was more than happy to fall asleep like this over trying to drug himself into oblivion.

“I’ll be flying to LA tomorrow.”  
“You’re still willingly getting on an airplane?”  
“Ugh yes. I was thinking about driving the whole way but I dunno, I think it’ll be fine. Arin made it okay…”  
“Famous last words, I’ll get them to put it on your gravestone.”  
“Bitch.”  
“Dumbass.”  
He snorted and she giggled lapsing into quiet for a few more moments before Dan started talking again.

“I wanna get back to work, the gang misses me and doesn’t want to start recording again until I come back, and the fans are apparently getting a little voracious about me getting back too. We’re gonna do a welcome back stream and then a few marathon recording sessions, I mean we have some backlog, stuff they didn’t post after the flight, so they could just put up all that shit now instead of waiting, but I think Arin wants to lock me in his basement to keep me safe, it was hard to get him to go home without me.”

She laughed “Tell him I say hi.” making Dan smile, glad that she got along pretty well with one of his best friends.

“When are you heading back to work again?”

“I don’t know.” Sighing she rolled to her side looking at the roof making him sit up to see her better. “I’m- There’s… Ugh two second okay?”  
Dan grunted giving her time to think and construct her words. It was hard being apart, things that they could convey with gesture or touch, being able to find stability in one another had to be all done with a distance, strictly verbal communication which was often difficult. 

They were pretty good at giving each other the time the other one needed to think, to develop what they wanted to say so that there was less chance of miscommunication. 

“I’m still having a hard time leaving the house y’know? There’s still snow outside, whenever I hear a car I get kinda nervous. Still not really sleeping well y’know? And-“

Her voice cracked and Dan’s heart clenched, his eyes misting because he hated hearing her be sad or scared. 

“And I miss you.” It was quiet, and didn’t entirely sound like the whole truth, but it was true.

“You should come to California and stay with me for a bit.”

She rolled back and looked at him, rubbing at her eyes. 

“The weather there is nice and warm, no snow at all, my birthday is next week? You’re not working so…”

He could see her face scrunch up before she covered it, not looking away but he knew she was crying and would give anything to hold her then.  
“Please? Fuck say the word and I’ll come to you instead if that’s what you want but c’mon, come to LA.”

Going silent hugging his pillow while laying there letting her calm down Dan blinked back a few sympathy tears. She’d not been feeling well for a while, cold, stress, sick, PTSD, too many things to count that he understood all too well and being apart was just one more burden they had to carry that he was getting tired of hauling around, not if they didn’t have to. 

When she was calm he talked, telling the story of his day, the plans for his week, just filling the air between them with a lullaby of words until he could see she’d fallen asleep. These chats were helping him, but tonight there was too much anxiety in him to drift off with her, leaving his laptop running in case she woke up Dan puttered, with music, with checking his flights, with checking bus or train tickets for her to get to LA or mapping the route for her if she decided to drive it. It was all just busywork to keep him occupied through the night since he knew sleep wasn’t going to come.

“You’re up early.” Deb commented as she wandered past seeing Dan in the kitchen with a cup of tea already.  
“Uh… Didn’t sleep.” He stopped her, hearing the deep breath in, wanting to cut the concern speech short. “It’s fine I’m just a little nervous about heading back to LA today, airplane jitters y’know.”  
She gave him a worried look, not really put at ease by his smile.  
“I’m fine, really!”

—

“Sir are you okay?”  
“Mmm No” Dan hummed high pitched through his nose, a very ‘not okay’ sound. 

‘I’m fine’ He’d told his family at the airport when they dropped him off certain that he’d rather take the flight than spend the next three days driving.  
‘I’m fine’ He’d told Arin and Brian when confirming the time they would pick him up at the airport.  
‘I’m fine’ He told himself as he boarded the plane, sat down, and immediately became a whole lot less fine.

“Sorry, not to unload on you but, remember in December the flight that went down in Canada? Whooole buncha people died?”

“Yes?” She sounded worried like whatever was coming next was going to be an annoyance that might need to involve an air marshal and she was scared to ask.

“I was one of the survivors from that flight.”

He didn’t see it himself, since his eyes were shut due to how not fine he was, but he knew from other people’s reactions that her eyes probably went wide with remembering the devastation and lack of survivors from that flight, he was glad to miss out on the look of pity that probably came after.

“Shhhii..” She hissed, stopping herself before she let slip an unprofessional curse. “Would you… Like a drink?”  
“God please as much as you can legally give me.” Dan opened an eye to give her a nervous tittering giggle, glad to see she was taking him seriously leaning in to whisper,  
“Rum and coke okay? If you can hold it I’ll keep bringing it until you tell me to stop.”  
“You are an angel lovely, please and thank you ever so much.” Dan sighed back glad that she was sympathetic to his very understandable fear. 

Three drinks in eyemask on, headphones blasting music, nails digging into the armrest of his seat, he still did not feel fine, not fine at all as the flight took off, terror coursing through his body the second that the plane rumbled down the tarmac. Only vaguely aware of the flight he felt he either mentally blocked the whole thing, or more likely, he blacked out from hyperventilating once they were in the air.

But he didn’t throw up, or start screaming, so he figured it was all a win, even if the lovely flight attendant helped him get maybe a little too blasted for what was usual at 4pm.

Considering the worried look from her when he wobbled on his feet, asking if someone was going to be meeting him as he stumbled off the flight, he really had to question if he’d ever be fine on a flight again. But was okay, at least that was what he told himself, just something he’d have to get over.

He was a once burnt twice shy kind of guy, and as he ran his thumb over the nub where his fingers once were he thought he’d been burnt bad enough to justify a legitimate terror of whatever he damn well pleased.

He was glad Arin was there to meet him at the gate, he felt jittery and dizzy, drunk enough he was in no condition to drive, or even really give coherent directions to a cab.  
“YO DANNO!” He got swept up into a big Arin hug giving a laughing squeak as his ass was grabbed in the process. “God I missed you SO MUCH!”  
“Dude I saw you like last week! And that’s if you don’t count all the skype calls!”  
“Baby every moment without you is agony for me you know that!” Arin said a little too loud making Dan laugh harder trying to avoid the little knowing looks and smiles other people were giving them.

But really after everything he couldn’t even remotely be mad.

“Arin God… I fucking missed you too.” Arin might have made it awkward but Dan didn’t care about going full touchy feely on him, giving him a hug that he never wanted to end and a wet sniffle finding it hard to keep his emotions in check.

“Woah Dan buddy, hey… It’s okay dude you’re home.”  
“Yeah… Fuck yeah I’m home man.” Dan squeezed him even tighter, glad Arin was on the same page as him and not letting him go.

“I’m home.”


	3. Begin Again

It was worst after I got home and Dan hadn’t contacted me. I was used to holding my problems in, not going to my parents for help when it came to personal issues like relationship or my feelings. Not that they were bad people or unsupportive but often they just didn’t know what to do in the face of some of the issues I had with anxiety and their recommendations were either not helpful or unintentionally insulting.

So I just waited, holding in the growing fear and anxiety, checking my phone every few moments, keeping it physically on my body with the ringer on high volume and vibrate so I wouldn’t miss it when Dan replied, trying to tell myself it was okay, that he was just busy, or sleeping, or too heavily medicated, or maybe his phone was dead. I just had to be patient and wait for his reply, it would come soon, he would text me soon.

And then he didn’t  
and he didn’t  
and I was starting to lose my mind getting literally sick with worry. 

My mom was trying to feed me as much as she could and I couldn’t stand the sight of food, pacing around the house, walking around the block even though I was supposed to be staying off my feet, staying away from the cold. The snow just made my anxiety worse, probably the whole reason why I caught a touch of a flu, feeling sick and nauseous with not just worry but actual illness that I was trying not to complain about either because I didn’t want to go back to the doctors.

I didn’t want to be that girl, who texted every hour demanding a reply, hounding a guy at all hours but it was driving me insane.

I finally got a message back from Suzy confirming that Dan and Arin were fine, at Dan’s parent’s place, and she didn’t know why he wasn’t contacting me back but she’d message him to make sure everything was okay.

But I could guess why.

Not that Dan ever came across as ’that kind of guy’ but I was already in a highly emotional place and things were weird for me after a few days of not sleeping at all. My anxious mind decided he hated me, he never liked me to begin with, he was just using me, that we were only friends because of forced circumstance, that I’d never see him again.

And that thought broke my heart.

I wanted to die.  
I wanted him to die.  
I wanted everything to die.

I cried that night, blunt nails digging into my arms to keep myself quiet from the painful shards in my chest of finally losing the one person who had been keeping me going for so long. I didn’t know what to do so with very little fanfare informed my parents I would be going home, taking my car and blasting angry high school breakup music for the 12 hour drive it took to get me home, stopping only for coffee, gas, and when my bladder was about to burst.

Considering my state of sleep deprivation it was probably a stupid thing to do but I didn’t care, numb to almost everything except a reckless smouldering anger.

And a deep desire to make everything stop so I could finally rest.

Getting to my own home was a little weird. My roommate hadn’t been expecting me back, I sent her a text before I left and she got it so she was home waiting for me. Thankfully my parents made arrangements to pay her my half of the rent until they were ready to either clean out my things or as they were hoping, I’d come back. Not like I needed to worry, I was gone for a few months, not years, and my roommate and I got along well enough it wasn’t like she was eager to find someone new.

We weren’t huggy people but she embraced me tightly the moment I came in the door. 

Nothing in the house had really changed and it was almost surreal going into my bedroom and having everything exactly the way I’d left it. It was all familiar and mine and yet I felt like a stranger snooping through someone else’s life.

I was exhausted from travelling the whole day, and yet I couldn’t get my brain to turn off enough to go to sleep, the bed was too soft, too cold, the streets were too noisy.

When Dan finally messaged me back I was still a little mad, but also just tired of being mad. It was later for me than it was for him, almost dawn and I could hear my roommate moving around.  
I’d told her a bit through texts about Dan, so after flipping him off I went to talk to her.

“Marie? What would you do if a guy was kind of ghosting you but then texts you back and is sorry?”  
“Is this that guy?”  
“Yeah.”

She made a face and wobbled her hand.   
“I mean if you don’t think he’s worth it then drop him but you guys did go through a lot so I mean, it’s up to you.”  
“What would you do?”  
“Is he rich?”  
“After the airline settlement comes in we’re both going to be rich.”  
“Eh, I’d give him a second chance. Is he hot?”  
“I think so.”  
“Text him back”

No matter what she said I’d already somewhat made up my mind, I just needed someone else to confirm it wasn’t a stupid idea. So I let him talk, let my anger melt away seeing how he was just as broken as I was, only in a different way.

And then we slept.

I couldn’t sleep as long. My body still ripping itself apart from months of mistreatment that I hadn’t really stopped doing, was worn to the bone and I had been nursing a mother of a flu for a few days already. So a bout of cramping liquid shits all while delightfully vomiting was my late-morning wakeup call.

At least Arin was amused hearing about it. Dan’s parents maybe slightly less so.

Things were kind of better after that.

I was somewhat sleeping, Dan was somewhat sleeping, I missed him, I was still sick, I wasn’t leaving the house, but at least for a few hours every night I could lay in the soft glow of my computer screen and listen to the sound of his voice while I went to sleep, an electric blanket and hugging a pillow were no replacement but it was good enough.

Arin went home and things were still okay.

Dan invited me to come see him in LA and something inside of me broke a little. 

I was scared. I was scared of him, I was scared of us, I was scared if things would work out or if they wouldn’t.

I needed him and that was terrifying to me. 

But when he called me that night, drunk on his own bravery at flying once more, and actually just completely drunk since that’s what he needed to get on the plane in the first place, I felt a little of his bravado rubbing off on me, pushing me to accepting his offer. 

There would be sun, there would be beaches, hot desert weather.

And Dan.

I packed a quick bag, sent a text to my parents and friends, checked google and called Dan the next day.

“Okay so I can either drive for 18 hours or take a bus for like… 24… 33, 34 hours” I counted off the bus times to figure out how long that would take. “Jesus I mean I guess if I leave at like 6 am I’d get there by like… I dunno midnight?” 

“Oh baby no I don’t want you doing all that in one day by yourself. What if… hmm one second let me look at the map.” I hear him grunt and mumble as he found his laptop and opened it up. “What if~ I meet you in Sacramento? I can get Arin to do a Grump sesh early and then get out by like 12 or one-ish, get there by 5 or 6 and grab us a hotel room, have a nice morning, maybe a fancy breakfast, then head on back here?”

“That’s still like 12 hours for me.”  
“I know and I love you so much for driving that, I mean you could fly.”  
“Rather lose a toe on my other foot thanks.”  
“It’s not that bad.”  
“Rather gargle whale jizz~”  
“Ok now that’s just gross.”  
“Not gonna test my luck in the air ever again if I can avoid it thanks.”  
“Eh not gonna argue, so tomorrow or the next day?”  
“Ask Arin which is better for him and I’m good for either, all I’ve been doing lately is playing a gross amount of World of Warcraft in my downtime.”  
“Ugh… Ross and Holly are gonna love you.”  
“Who do you think I’ve been playing with?”  
“Fuckin nerds.”   
“I’m sorry Drizit Sweetnuts?” I clapped back at him reminding him of when he told me of his Dungeons and Dragons day’s which I argued was much nerdier than World of Warcraft would ever be.

“Touche”  
“Anyway, you wanna do me a favour and pick up some mint tea? I’m bringing mine but I’ve been doing like three cups a day, my stomach has been just gross lately.”   
“Oh no worries Babe, I’m the king of tea’s over here. And stomach stuff, I got your dramamine, and your tums, and your ginger-mint-camomile tea and that pink shit that tastes like chalk.”  
“Pepto?”  
“Yeah, don’t use it very often but I have it, I have a weenie little tum-tum that kinda hates me and has been seeking revenge ever since I got back.”  
“Ugh mine too. I swear to god I’m still pooping birdseed.”

He didn’t giggle but he gave an amused snort telling me he was going to let me go because he was off to work for the first time since he’d been back and would call me that night as usual so we could sleep.

With the good news delivered that night that I could leave in the morning and he’d meet me the next day I was too excited to get much rest but I forced myself to try, laying there whispering to Dan about the things I wanted to see and do in LA and how I was looking forward to the heat, the sun, and most importantly him.

—

Tomorrow was only a day away, a day and almost 13 hours driving before I got to the agreed hotel and texted Dan. I was a little later than I’d originally told him and I knew he was there already, he’d messaged me about an hour ago with the room number and that they were holding a key for me at the front desk.

I might have had a little bit of residual feeling of miffed at not getting a reply back right away but I checked in and went up to the room pausing outside and knocking just out of curiosity if he was in there.

“Who is it?” Came a singsong voice.  
“Room service? I come with fresh towels.”  
“I didn’t order any towels.” He sang back.  
“Uh… I come with mint service.”  
“I don’t like mints.”  
“I come with hot blowjobs?”

The door swung open and he was there with his arms open grinning widely.  
“Well why didn’t you say so come on in!” 

He barely got the last word out before I slammed into him wrapping my arms around his skinny waist, even lifting him off the ground to spin him, but without the space I just rocked him a little while he laughed and wrapped his legs and arms around me.

I’d gotten strong when we were out there, hauling wood and walking every day, and I hadn’t let those muscles fade. In Winnipeg I hit the gym, at my parents house I was shovelling snow and walking, at home I had a set of weights I’d been laying into. It gave me focus and I’d been hoping it would tire me out enough to sleep better.

It hadn’t worked.

Carrying Dan deeper into the room I dropped him onto the bed, scampering back to the door to grab my bag before rushing back and leaping onto the mattress next to Dan. 

“Fuck I gotta say it’s kinda hot being hauled around like that, girl show me them guns!”

The room was more than hot enough, I was glad that the weather here was warmer but also that Dan had the same feeling I did about having the heat on as high as it could go. Zipping off my jacket so I could show Dan my somewhat toned form I joked at him.

“Better call a vet cus these python’s are SICK!” Flexing and getting him to laugh, a sound I didn’t get to hear enough.

As his giggles ebbed, he looked up at me, his expression softening to one of adoration. It felt painful looking at him, my chest hurt, something that was empty inside me was now full to the busting point and it ached so hard I could barely breathe.

I was glad that he started crying first.

Biting his lip he tried to laugh it off, to blink and look away, his smile so big but his eyes misty with tears that he couldn’t hold back.

“Oh god don’t look at me I’m just-“  
I straddled his waist, hugging his head to my chest, pressing kisses into his fluffy hair as his arms wrapped around me.  
“I missed you-“  
“God I missed you too.”  
“-so fucking much.”  
“Fuck me too.”

He wetly sniffed laughing again at himself pulling back so he could rub at his eyes, I sat back doing the same, both of us giggling, bumping our foreheads together.

“Fuck, I didn’t think that I would be putting on any waterworks here.”  
“Well you are the most emotional man in the world.” I teased making him pull back and give me a look.  
“Did you just?”  
“I might have been listening to someone’s shitty music all the way here.”  
His mouth dropped open as he exclaimed an insulted “Shitty!!” and shoved me off him laughing so I knew there was no actual anger in him “My music is TIMELESS it’s PERFECTION.” His fingers dug into my sides making me squeak and wriggle.  
“It’s CRA-AP!” I gasped between laughter.

It felt like no time had passed, like we were back at the cabin when there was food and hope, when we had time to play and enjoy ourselves, to connect as though nothing bad was happening, or would happen.

He rolled off me pulling me up so I was next to him, nose to nose, that near psychic connection we’d developed came rushing back, soft touches, a flick of his eyes, a breath, a wry smile was all that was needed between the two of us to communicate far deeper than any words could.

And yet there was so much that was different too.

How much more light was in his eyes, how much quicker he would fall to giggles, he was still thin and yet there was a new softness all over him, an added gentleness to his touches.

The hunger in his hands and mouth were still there but less intense, he wanted but didn’t desperately need, desired but in a savouring way as he slowly learned the new curves of my body.

Clinging to him in an overheated tangle of limbs, nose tickled by his light chest hairs, I felt something in me finally relax, that tension that would choke me awake every night when the lights went out finally let go.

Strangely, it was then that I finally felt like I was home.


	4. Skinny Love

The morning was quiet for the both of us. 

Like before time had lost meaning, we woke up when we felt like it, tangled together, not caring about how hot or sweaty we were, basking in the comfort of the other’s company, listening to the world move around us. 

A light buzz on Dan’s phone got us up and moving, we still had time before checkout but we had a long drive ahead and it was better to get started earlier than later.

Someone looking at us at breakfast might have missed the signs, taking our mutual silence as a bad thing, but it wasn’t an awkward silence, it was the quiet that we both had in the woods, when a day had been filled with too many words and we both had nothing more to say.

But communication was more than that between us, connecting by touch and gesture, or even laying perfectly still, sharing space but lost in our own thoughts, anchored by the other being with you.

My ankle touching his under the table was all that I needed from him as we shared a plate of eggs and toast. We’d both gained some of the weight back that we’d lost, but Dan’s stomach had suffered a lot of damage due to it having already been weak and then the added mistreatment. Anything too heavy was off the table for him.  
I on the other hand was still getting over being sick, flu or anxiety, whatever it was made it hard to eat much without feeling horrible for the rest of the day, so a simple plate of scramble with an extra side of rye toast was all the two of us needed.

It was a relief that we’d found our words again the time we got into my car, it would have been a long ride otherwise.

Dan had rented a car to drive up so we could drive back down together, since it was my car I was the one behind the wheel while Dan fiddled with his phone trying to synch the bluetooth to my car so his own music could play.

“Clearly my car has taste and doesn’t want to listen to your crappy tunes.” I mocked him with a grin.  
“Shaddap your face-“ He growled back giving a triumphant laugh when his music finally kicked in and he started singing and dancing along.

Most of them were familiar hits from the 70’s and 80’s, things I could easily sing along to as well since while a little younger, I was basically in the same generation as him and his musical preferences were the ones I grew up with as well.

“Wait… This song sounds weird?” I commented as the familiar beats of ‘Take on Me’ started but then the voice sounded off.  
“This is my band’s version! We basically finished the album, I wanted to do a re-recording, well more just a bit of fanagaling for one song with TWRP, which is what I was doing when- When we met.”

I reached out and touched his arm, my eyes flicking from the road as he took my hand giving it a squeeze.  
“I mean it was basically done so Brian finished the album and pushed it through because well, we’d started pre-orders before I left and were set to release the album like last week. We pushed back the release date already because well after the accident Brian needed time and it seemed a little in bad taste but it’s all finished anyway so yeah, you’re getting a super secret sneak peak at the yet-to-be-released Under the Covers album!”

“O-la-la fancy~” I teased back listening to his music. 

It was, fine.  
I wasn’t a huge music person and there was nothing wrong with it, I just was more into indie music, punk rock, and mostly just whatever was on the radio.

“You wanna get real fancy I’ve got the track list for our next cover album.”  
“Oh?”  
“Yeah we’re hoping to get it out by next year.”  
“Seriously? You guys just finished this one and you’re already planning the next?”  
“The next three actually.”  
“Three!?”  
“Yup!” Dan’s feet were tapping with excitement as he talked. “We’ve already got the set list, most of the legalities are out of the way already so Brian’s just finishing up some composition work and then we’re gonna start recording! Got a buddy of ours all set up to direct a bunch of music videos for the next cover, plus we’re gonna try to get out the next original NSP album out too cus we recorded most of the music and one of the music videos already.”

“And the third album?”  
“Starbomb, with Arin, we’ve been promising the fans that one for a while so I want to finish Under the Covers two, then finish up Cool Patrol, get the videos all squared away to release on those, and then hopefully, aiming like Octoberish, gonna sit down with the guys and just slam out everything for Starbomb.”

My stomach clenched, I wasn’t sure exactly why but I did have a mix of feelings while listening to Dan talk about his future plans because he had so many of them. Videos to shoot, albums to record, tours he was going on, his usual work on youtube, he was back and going full throttle to make up for lost time and just because he was so glad to be able to get back to work again.

The cramping got worse as I found myself tuning him out while he kept talking, was I jealous? Here he was getting back into his life with no problems meanwhile I was spinning my gears, barely functioning, I hadn’t made any plans to get back to work, hardly any contact with most of my friends, I had no goals, no future to look forward to. 

It was becoming apparent that after months of focusing no further than tomorrow returning to a world where next week, next month, next year were just as important I was getting quickly left behind.

With a tap on my breaks I slowed and pulled over to the side of the highway, Dan’s singular conversation stopping with a concerned; “What’s wrong?” that I couldn’t answer needing to get out of the car NOW.

I thankfully got out of the car and made it to the back end before I put my hand on the bumper, bending over and heaved up breakfast. 

Dan had followed me out but back-pedalled a quick few step with a curse to avoid getting hit.

“Hey.” I was coughing and spitting out the bitter eggy bile in my mouth when a bottle of water was presented to me to help. A cool hand against my warm forehead and neck helped centre me even if my stomach was still in knots. “You’re kind of warm, why didn’t you tell me you were still not feeling good?”  
“Just kinda hit me.”

Guiding me around breakfast and to the passenger side Dan got me into the car bringing me some medicine from his bag to help settle my upset stomach and a mint to just clear the taste out of my mouth. Seat clicked back with the water bottle balanced over my eyes Dan started driving, the music still playing but much softer, the quiet now slightly awkward. 

I must have dozed off a little, feeling myself jolt awake when the car stopped, Dan pulling into a drive-through starbucks for some mint-chamomile tea for the both of us.

“So I never really asked but how long are you staying for?” He questioned since I was now up nursing my cup.  
“Dunno.”

Dan gave me a little look at my sharp sullen answer.  
“I don’t want to get in the way of your work.” I mumbled to my drink more than at him. “I didn’t realize how busy you were going to be. I don’t want to be in your way or holding you back, but I also don’t want to be sitting around with my thumb up my ass-”  
That at least got Dan to snort.  
“-Couple of days I guess, I wasn’t really thinking too much, you offered and I just sorta came.”

“I’d like it if you stayed longer.” Dan said quietly thumbs tapping on the steering wheel.

“I don’t want to slow you down.”  
“You won’t and- I mean I’m glad you’re here, I want you here. I’ll be taking days off to spend with you and there’s lots of things to see and stuff to do all over LA.” He reached out with his bad hand so that I could hold it, imperfectly twining our fingers together. “You don’t gotta worry about me. It’s my fault I didn’t really think this trip out, I’m sorry Baby, but I’ll totally make sure that I’m making time to hang out. I want this to work.”  
“I do too.”

“Plus your students are all like high school right?”  
“Yeah?”  
“Well some might even be fans of the show… We could put you in the video too… They’d lose their fucking minds.”

I had to smile at that, the idea of being a bit of an online sensation more than I already was as the survivor of the crash. My stomach tinged thinking about going back to work but not terribly, I did somewhat want to return.

“Not as someone you grind up against. I’ve seen your videos.”  
“No! No!… Well maybe a little off camera.” He giggled. “Just a background person or something, we’ve got a bunch of stuff so I’ll take you down to the office on Monday when we do our weekly meeting. We can work out a good schedule for everything, like all the stuff I gotta do and what you can be up to solo so you’re not bored the whole time you’re here.”  
“Will Suzy be there?”  
“She might, I can ask her to come.”  
“Cool I liked her… She smells really nice.” I mumbled out the last part in a creepy voice giving Dan a stupid look breathing heavy making him laugh but he nodded and agreed with me. 

“She’d probably be cool to hang out a bit too when I’m busy, she’s been doing a lot of work with her esty store so I mean if you want to help out with that she’d most likely love you even more.”  
“I can do artsy stuff… Or even clerical work stuff.”  
“And I’m gonna be introducing you to all my friends, and if you can put up with my shit then you’ll get on fine with them.”

I snorted but smiled feeling a bit better, he was right. I’d be meeting people, hanging out with him, relaxing a bit.

It was a vacation, I didn’t need to be around him all the time, I could figure my own shit out too. And maybe it would give me the time to slowly figure out how to get back to my own life, or find something to do here if things were going well enough.

After all I wanted whatever Dan and I had to work out too.

It might not have been perfect but I was willing to give it a try at least.

I could only hope that my anxiety ridden body would agree.

—

Getting in it wasn’t that late but we were tired enough that I certainly didn’t want to do much and Dan didn’t suggest anything so it was fine by me. I got the grand tour of his house, he’d moved out from his shared space with Barry shortly before the flight and although he was now in his own house it was very sparsely furnished. A mostly empty living room, with beanbag chairs and a TV, dvd’s stacked next to it. A table with two chairs in the dining room. Only his bedroom really had anything in it, a large picture of green jungle, some animation cels from the Last Unicorn, and his Rush albums on the wall surrounding a huge king sized bed that basically took up the rest of the space in the room.

“You’re being quiet and yet I am getting these very judgey vibes off you.” He commented when I dropped my bag on the bed.  
“Well~” I started with a shrug. “On one hand I can’t judge, the house my roommate and I share, we only had a sofa bed in my room and a table with a single chair in it for like the first month we were in there. Didn’t even have a fridge so you’re one up on us there. On the other hand, haven’t you been here for like a couple of months already? It’s very… College.”

Dan stuck out his tongue and made noise at me.  
“I’m getting an interior designer to come in and actually plan the place out so I’ve been staying minimal till then.” He huffed. “Plus I’m a busy guy. And I’ve been gone for like three months.”

I ran my finger over the top of his dresser making a face at the dust.  
“I can tell.”

He picked me up and lobbed me onto the bed trying to pin me down and beat me with his pillows.

He was bigger but it turned out I was stronger. 

With a giggling struggle we wrestled about tickling and trying to stop the other from doing so, pushing back I was able to flip him over and pinned him to the bed grinning down at him as he tried to push back against my hands that had locked his wrists above his head slowly realizing that he actually physically couldn’t.

“Holy shit.” He gasped in between laughing snorts. “Holy shit I am /so/ hard right now.”  
“Hm?” I shifted down grinding against him to realize that he wasn’t lying.  
“Never thought getting manhandled by a hot chick was my kink and yet wow here we are.” He wriggled his hips trying to get a bit more friction against me, his cheeks flush from our wrestling and his arousal. 

I laughed keeping his hands above his head, leaning down to brush my lips against his, not letting him move enough to chase them for a proper kiss.  
“You like that?” I whispered pecking at his smooth cheek, I’d sort of missed the look of his beard but I liked his face soft too. “That I could have my way with you?”  
“Shit babygirl.” His voice was getting ragged, a slight whine escaping his lips when I nipped at the long expanse of his throat. “Are we- Are we gonna need a safe word?”

I snorted and bit his collar, not enough to hurt or bruise but enough that he could feel my teeth. “Do you want one?”

My hands slid down his arms releasing him as he squeaked out a “Maybe?” and I sat up, fingers toying at the hem of his shirt between my legs.  
“If you say stop I’ll stop just so you know, this is kinda hot and if you actually like a little ol’ slap and tickle I’m not against the idea.” I dropped on him seriously making him grin up at me.  
“Thanks.” His hands wandered to my thighs giving them a squeeze while I tugged slightly at his shirt. “I’m not like, huge on that stuff but y’know… Y’ever wanna sit on my face and call me a good boy.”

He grinned but also was biting his lip letting me know that he was mostly serious. 

To be honest that sounded pretty appealing to me, but maybe not for tonight.

Pushing his shirt up so his arms got tangled and his head was covered I bent low to take one of his nipples into my mouth, making Dan wriggle both with pleasure and trying to get his shirt off.  
“Do you think I could get you to cum in your pants just from this?”

“Uhh.” Dan’s brain is about 500 miles away, what little of his concentration that’s left is working on figuring out how my shirt works so he can get it off too. “Uh- May-be?” He gasped as I nipped him maybe too hard, his hips bucking with it. “I uh- I’d really- Really like it if you rode me though.”

Humming I decided that I’d really like that too. 

Sitting up over him to grab his pillows giving him a chance to pull down my bra and mouth my breasts I bullied him about much to his delight getting him partially sitting up to watch but then demanding he kept his hands to himself. 

We giggled, lapsing between serious and playfulness while stripping down the rest of the way, Dan actually needing me to stop when I was sucking on the head of his cock just wanting to tease him more and getting him closer to the edge than I’d thought.

“Oh fuck baby- Fuck I’m so hard, fuck you’ve got me so hot girl.” He groaned his hands clenching at his own hair since he wasn’t allowed to touch me while I rolled a condom onto him. 

“I can feel it, fuck you are so-“ I let out a sigh lining him up and slowly pressing down, wet enough that I could have slammed him in but we hadn’t had sex the night before, just played around, and I was feeling too oversensitive the stretch was almost painful. I could feel him hit the very end of me, as deep as he could possibly go, a strange sensation that made me stop and just hold him there. One hand went up to pinch my own nipple, the other toying ever so slightly with my clit while I flexed myself around him trying to relax. 

I opened my eyes hearing Dan moan my name like a prayer, it wasn’t late or dark, so he could see everything and was looking at me like I was a goddess.

“Are you being my good boy?” I asked him almost as a joke except how his eyes went wider and his face flushed red, jaw clenching he nodded eagerly. “Fuck Danny can you feel that?” 

Sitting up I clenched pulling off him slowly and and relaxing to side back down gasping when the head of his cock hit as deep as it could.  
“So fucking perfect, you’re so fucking perfect Danny.”

He planted his feet trying to buck up into me as I rode him slow as can be, eyes locked on his face drinking in every reaction.  
“No.” I warned sitting down not letting him move, my weight still more than he was able to shift. 

“Baby fuck you’re killing me god please.”  
“Be good.” I thrust my hips shallow, hand between my legs chasing my own wants, letting him wait and watch, not caring when he broke my no touching rule, his hands gripping into my hips and ass, as I was already coming then, clenching around him, sharply crying out while he bounced me a few times in his lap hard, voice echoing my own soon after. 

I laced my fingers with his, my head tipped back while I could feel his dick twitching inside of me, slowly catching my breath. 

Pulling me down on top of him Dan rolled us to our sides so he could nuzzle his face into my neck giving me a face full of his wild hair.

“God you cuddly octopus.”  
“mmnyup”

I gave him his cuddles, loving how everything here was quiet, the world boiled back down to the familiar comfort of just the two of us. 

The fact that I was hungry was even weirdly comforting in a way. Sure out in the snow living day to day was hard, but there was a simplicity in it too. No deadlines, no schedules, every moment of comfort was a precious gift. 

“You wanna get something to eat?” Dan asked, maybe he heard my stomach gurgle.  
“Is there anywhere nearby that does pancakes? Or cinnamon buns? Or cinnamon pancakes?”  
“Got a hankering?”  
“Little bit.”  
“Feeling better then?”  
“Might still need to couple it with a mint tea and be careful not to stuff myself sick but yeah.”

Dotting my neck with a few more kisses we cleaned up to arrange some delivery, both of us more than sick of driving and it was early enough we could get something, but late enough that going out was a hassle.  
Sadly it meant I didn’t get my pancakes, but we settled on some vegan place because with mutual delicate stomachs the idea of light vegetables and no-meat was strangely appealing. Dan promised morning flapjacks of the best quality before we would go to his office. 

—

“You okay babe?”  
“Ngh.” I grunted still rubbing my belly. “Can we stop at a drug store before we get breakfast?”  
“Sure what’s up?”  
“Pretty sure Aunt Flo is coming for a visit.”  
“Oh.”  
“I’m all bloaty and crampy. How many pain killers do you have and how strong?”  
“Uh. Probably not enough?”

I clicked my tongue at him and sat down hunching over.

The nausea was still a problem, and now cramps and spotting. I hadn’t had a period since the crash so this was about four months catching up to me with a cruel vengeance. 

A bottle of ibuprophen and glass water were set in front of me, the water I spit out coughing.  
“Why does this burn my mouth?!”  
“What?”  
“What is /wrong/ with your water?”

Dan took my glass looking at it, about to drink it except he noticed the spit bubbles in it and stopped short. “You spat it back didn’t you?”  
“Yes.”  
Rolling his eyes I followed him to the kitchen where I saw the reason my water was not water on the counter.  
“Oh fucking gross man it’s angry water?”

“Angry Water?” He laughed dumping my cup in the sink.  
“Yes, fucking seltzer water is just angry water. It’s gross dude.”  
He stuck his tongue out “Well Thhpph to you then. You get grody tap water.”

I mocked his voice back at him with no real anger pausing as I took the fresh glass of actual water back.  
“LA water is safe to drink right?”  
“Yeah?”  
“Cus I know not all places in the US are.” I gave it a test sip, a bit of a taste but no worse than Vancouver.  
“Most people drink bottled just anyway but it’s fine, California’s safe.” He looked in his fridge while I took my pills. “I’ll get you some regular water for while your here y’baby.”  
“Yourababy.” I pouted back but was glad he was willing to accommodate even though the tap would be fine.

I didn’t see him roll his eyes but I just knew he did.  
“You about ready to go? We can swing past Ralph’s for some ladies things then head over to the space.”  
“And pancakes?”  
“And pancakes too.”  
“Mutha-fuckin pancakes.” I said quietly but he smiled at my tiny little dance that went along with it. “Lemmi grab my purse and we can boogie. My car or yours?”  
“Mine, yours is fine but too small for me.”  
“Yeah you are a tall drink of water.”  
“Angry water?” He mocked me.  
“Now listen here mister sassafrass…” 

Needing to punish him with a pinch to his butt made us leave a little later than planned, but it was worth it. 

—

It was a pretty nice day.

We got my pancakes and various necessities for staying at his house, no definite plans for how long I was going to be there for, I figured I’d feel it out iterating again and again throughout the day that once Dan was sick of me or too busy I could head home, he just needed to say the word. 

We met his friends and talked about his schedule, more of them were on my side than his, insisting he take things a little easier than he wanted, pressuring him to accept some lower than usual working hours so he’d have time to spend with me while I was here. He balked a little but agreed that he was still technically healing, and I was still technically a guest, and technically everything was up in the air so there was no deadlines to meet but TECHNICALLY they could all also go fuck themselves.

The last part wasn’t said with any malice, he’d just been a little ganged up on and Dan understood it was coming from a place of love and missing him. But he was set on being at the grump space from 11 to 5, and wanted to get working again as much as he could, because he loved it and because he felt he owed it to his fans who had been unbelievably supportive while he’d been gone.

A quick dinner with his friends he noticed that I was just quietly poking at my food more than anything he excused the both of us early, ignoring my protests that it was fine and he could stay, insisting he was tired too.

It might have been a lie but I loved him for it.

“Hey there’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you.” He said coming into his room from the shower his hair still dripping.  
“Hm?” I put down my laptop so I could focus on him.  
“You don’t have to answer right away, I mean there’s totally no rush but uh—”

“But what?” I pressed since we was going quiet, maybe thinking about changing his mind on what he wanted to say.  
“Do you wanna move in with me?”

I blinked, my brow scrunching as I actually thought about it, making Dan panic, his cheeks going red as he tried to play it down.  
“Like I said you don’t need to answer right now, just throwing it out there, kinda spitballing some thoughts.”  
“Mn-hm.” My tone didn’t believe him but I was giving it serious thought which meant I was sitting there on his bed, cross legged and cross armed, eyes closed really thinking about it.

“It would be kind of nice if you said SOMETHING tho.” He grumbled as I was quiet for far too long for his liking.

“Relax pumpkin I’m actually giving it a good thinking.”  
“Good thing or bad thing?”  
“Good thing, cus it means I’m leaning in your favour. Are you sure though? I mean I’m all up in Canada so it’s gonna be a big move for me and I’d be mighty pissed if you changed your mind after a week.”  
“Wait… You’re Canadian?!” He interrupted with mock shock.  
“I know it’s horrible isn’t it? I say sorry too often and pronounce it with an o and everything! How can you stand me?”  
He giggled offering a soft “I dunno, I guess you just grew on me. Kinda like a fungus.”  
“Ew”  
“Well I’m a fun-guy so I don’t mind.”  
“… Ok decisions made I’m leaving right now.” I tried to get out of the bed but Dan grabbed me dragging me back in with him whining “Nooo”

“Like what are you thinking? Are you wanting to go back to work?” He asked as we settled down.  
“I dunno.” I sighed. “I mean I think I can get my job back if I want it, and I guess I liked being a teacher even if it wasn’t my end goal, I was at least good at it. I couldn’t do that here y’know? Teaching licences are only valid from place to place, at least in Canada they are I don’t know about the rules here. I can only imagine getting a work visa in the states for something like that would probably be impossible and I— I just dunno.”  
“What don’t you know?” Dan sat up looking down at me, his face wasn’t judgemental, it was soft and understanding, wanting to help me think and work out what I really wanted.

“Well like… Okay on the ‘why not’ side, the settlement from the airline will be enough that if I’m smart with my money I don’t really have to work ever again, but at the same time what else am I gonna do? I mean I suppose this is a good time for me to write a book or get back to working on my art. I’m too old to try and become an actress now…” I was thinking back, kind of reminded of our first time meeting and I’d listed all the dreams I had in my life. 

Dreams that I could now freely chase.

“And on the no side?”

“Well what about my roommate? Visa? This is technically kinda fast so what if I get all the way down here and it doesn’t work out?”  
“You know I wouldn’t just kick you out right? I mean I kinda got this place as my ‘I’m an actual legitimate adult and this will probably be the home I die in’ kinda place not just another rental-”  
“Hey nothing wrong with renting, especially in this economy.”  
He ignored me and kept talking “-So I mean there’s enough space for two people to live independently if the whole ‘us’ thing doesn’t work out.”  
“Even if you absolutely hate me?”  
“You’ve dutch ovened me More-Than-Once I might add, and I’ve not gotten sick of you yet, I sincerely doubt there’s much you could do that would make me legitimately hate you.”  
“I know you don’t mean it to be, but a part of me really wants to take that as a challenge.”  
“Please don’t.” He giggled. “Anyway it’s no rush and no need to jump in, just something I wanted to put on the table and see if it could work out. I guess I just don’t want you thinking you’re ever going to overstay your welcome, even though I’m not going to be around a whole lot I want you to be here as long as you want to be here… Maybe even longer.”  
“That was sweet right to the edge of creepy.” I joked  
He made finger guns at me and winked. “That’s how I roll Babe~”


	5. Closer to the Heart

I threw up on Ross.

Well not exactly ON Ross, just his shoes, barely. But it was deeply humiliating and I felt even worse because I started crying right after.

I was at the grump space, after a weekend with Dan and a few days of just spinning my wheels while he was working I’d decided to take the job of helping Dan by going through all the letters and gifts and general things that his friends had collected for his eventual return, refusing to think that he wouldn’t be coming back, and probably not knowing what to do with everything if that did come to pass.   
Added to that already expansive pile was the even larger influx of get well soon cards that came in once he’d been found. It was boxes upon boxes of letters that no single person could reasonably get through on their own. Dan had taken one look at it and not to subtly had been avoiding that corner of the grump space because of how daunting it was, easily a few months worth of work especially considering his already tight schedule.   
So for lack of anything else to do I hired myself to be his secretary and sort through it all, to separate gifts from just letters, basic cards with casual greetings from things that were more personal, making a pile of anything that I thought Dan might want to look at himself, a smaller folder of things that I felt really called for maybe a response, and sliding a few slightly creepier things towards someone else to ask if that was normal for their fans to be writing, and all right, or if I should trash it without letting Dan see.

Thankfully there weren’t many but that there were any was enough to make me glad I decided not to become an actress.

Things had been going well for a while and we were even getting into the beginnings of what could be called a routine. Wake up, light breakfast, medication for both of our stomachs, off to work.  
Dan had come out of the recording room to order a late lunch bouncing by to give me a smooch on the side of the head and to confirm that I was cool with his lunch choices. He wasn’t huge on PDA but knew I liked it especially when I didn’t feel well which I still wasn’t 100% yet.   
With both of us not in the habit of eating much he’d just ordered for himself with an extra drink knowing I’d pick off his plate before heading back to do more recording.   
Ross had been the unfortunate soul to get the delivery at the door while I cleared a spot on the table for him to set everything down, and the moment the smell of food hit me, I barely had time to turn my head from the table before all the tea I’d been drinking prior hit the floor splattering over Ross’ shoes.

“JESUS FUCKING!” Ross yelled jumping back from me and that was all I got to hear before I broke down into tears and bolted into the bathroom. 

I retched over the toilet, my stomach aggravated by my crying which made me anxiously try to force myself to stop crying, which just made my stomach feel worse, which turned into a terrible cycle of me hating everything. 

When a tap came to the door I was expecting Dan and was quite surprised to hear Barry’s soft voice.  
“Hey, you okay?”

It took two tries for me to croak out a stuttered “Yeah” which totally sounded believable. “Is- Is Ross mad- mad at me?  
“No, of course not! If you think you’re the first one to puke on Ross you’d be sorely mistaken.” Barry gently tried to joke. “Dan’s still recording but did you want me to get him?”  
“No, I don’t wanna bug him.”

I was feeling just better enough to get up and weave toward the door, my eyes downcast and red. “I’ll go clean it up, I’m sorry.”  
“Hey, no it’s okay.” Barry was a bit awkward about it but wrapped an arm around my shoulder pulling me in for a hug. “We got it cleaned up already, we can handle a little gross now and then it’s fine. I mean we all work with Arin after all.”

I snorted, glad that he was being so nice about it.   
“Sorry, I’ve just been… Not sick but just—“ My hands clenched over my stomach trying to get out words but feeling deeply ashamed of them.  
“Is it anxiety?”

I couldn’t say anything just wetly sniffed and nodded, my lip quivering, eyes burning trying not to cry because I felt weak and stupid right then but of course feeling that way just made me want to cry even more.

“Hey it’s okay, I mean all of us have anxiety here so we all understand. There is nothing wrong with how you’re feeling.”  
“B-but I just-“ I blubbered feeling myself breaking down, glad that his reaction was to pull me against his large warm chest in a tight hug. 

He didn’t talk much, just softly shushed my tears, muttering how he also got randomly scared and worried, mentioning that almost everyone there was seeing a therapist and if I wouldn’t consider one too, but not pressing me much beyond that, letting me get my feelings out, patting my back until I was done.

Dan was talking to Ross just as I came back, his recording done and his face pinched with worry as he was told I’d just puked. He was already moving towards the bathroom before he even noticed Barry and I coming back, stopping short with a look of concern.

“You okay?” Dan asked  
“Yeah, I— A bit.”  
“Are you pregnant?” Ross cut in getting a glare from Dan and a tired look from me. “What? I mean you don’t look sick so…”  
“It’s anxiety asshole.” I snapped back but with no real venom, just feeling tired and uncomfortable. That and the smell of lunch was still making my throat clench like I needed to puke again.

“Baby…” Dan sighed crossing the rest of the room to give me a tight hug. “You wanna go home?”   
“No I don’t wanna get in the way of your recording.”  
“It’s fine, we’re stopping anyway and probably wouldn’t do much more.” He said, turning to yell at Arin confirming that it was okay if he take the rest of the day off. 

“I’mma eat cho lunch.” Arin threatened.   
“BIITCH…. Yeah go ahead.”  
“OMANOMANOM.” 

I snagged Barry’s arm as Dan went to grab his bag and my jacket thanking him again and getting another hug in return.  
“Talk to Dan, he knows my therapist and has his own too. It’s okay to get help. You’ve both been through a lot so we understand and if you need to talk…”  
“Yeah, thanks. I’ll- I’ll look into it.”  
“And next time, try to actually hit Ross, it’s funnier that way.”

I was glad that everyone was as nice as they were. I really didn’t know how I would handle it otherwise.

——

“Do you want to go see a doctor?” Dan asked on the drive back.   
“Mental or physical?”

“Both?” He said softly after a bit of a quiet pause his eyes looking over briefly but I could see the worry there.

“I dunno…” I sighed, I understood where he was coming from but I also really didn’t want to get into it. “I should probably wait till I go home for either, didn’t have time to get travel insurance.”  
“There are some free clinics, we could at least get you in for a checkup?”  
“Dunno, maybe.”

I closed my eyes to let him know I didn’t really want to talk about it anymore. I didn’t feel sick, not in the traditional sense, no fever, no runny nose or cough. I felt strange though, like something was wrong, bloated, cramping, worried constantly.   
Anxiety? My period?  
Or maybe something else was wrong. Ulcers? Cancer? I did have a family history of bad health and early death. Wouldn’t that be just my luck to survive a plane crash only to die a few months later of a brain tumour.

We were inside the house before Dan stopped short, one shoe off and one still on.  
“You know, we- We did have sex like… twice without a condom.”

I looked at him confused, but then remembered months upon months ago, one night of gentle fun in the middle of pain and hunger, I didn’t remember a second time, something familiar wiggled at the back of my mind but nothing came of it, it was a confusing blur becoming fuzzier every day that we were back so I tried not to dwell on that point.

“Yeah, I suppose… But my period stopped like way before that, I don’t think I could’ve gotten pregnant then… Could I?”

Dan stared at me for a long time both of us trying to think in our heads how long ago that was, how far along I’d be. It had been months now since we were rescued, if I really was pregnant I’d know. 

Wouldn’t I?

“You- You wanna grab one of those piss tests like just to see?”   
“I’ll take one if you do.” I joked trying to keep it light, after all there was no way I was pregnant. 

Absolutely not.

Dan sent me to bed with a cup of ginger mint tea just in case it was illness, physical or otherwise. I didn’t mind not going with him even though I was feeling especially clingy, but an emotional breakdown and not being able to keep much food inside me had left me perpetually exhausted so I was willing to take any chance to nap. 

I woke up to the sound of the door shutting, Dan trying to be quiet but once I came out of the bedroom hugging his back and following him around like a leech, he griped on how expensive the tests were, but I imagined most of the money he spent was on the bag of various types of soup and crackers.

“I didn’t know which kind you liked best when you’re not feeling good.” He said sheepishly to explain the reason for the assortment.

“Anyway, ready to pee?”  
“Fuckin pee on you.” I mumbled into his spine still refusing to let go.  
“Not my kink but I’m open to experimentation. Please not in the kitchen though.”

I let go and threw a balled up plastic bag at his head.

Sitting in the bathroom waiting for the results, Dan was the counter by the sink with me against the wall, we’d been avoiding ‘the talk’ even though we were here, both taking pregnancy tests, I felt it was about time and turned the conversation a little more serious.

“If I am pregnant what do you want to do?”  
“Um… Well.” He looked up, fingers drumming on the counter. “First off. Your body your choice, so ultimately it’s up to you but, I dunno, I- I really don’t know. I’d like to maybe be a dad? Like one day I think it would be nice, I love my nephews and Audrey so y’know I’m not against the idea. And I guess, like, things are going well with the grumps and NSP so I could probably afford to support you and a child. Like, I dunno, would you want to get married right away if you are?”

“No, not like this.” It was a hard thought but one that I’d been swirling around for years. “To be honest? I never really wanted to have kids. But I’m kinda pro-life personal pro-choice political y’know? I don want to… Y’know… Plus I guess I’m old enough that it’s kinda about time I could have a kid, I guess? But, I mean, I just kinda really never wanted one sorta, ever? I mean don’t get me wrong, I like teaching, and I like kids, but OTHER people’s kids y’know? Ones that at the end of the day you can give back. Also, I kind of hate babies?”

“Oh.” Dan looked crestfallen, his face trying to be neutral and not judgemental but I knew him well enough to read him like an open book.

We sat quietly for a bit except for the thumping of Dan’s leg that started jiggling on the counter. 

“So like you totally didn’t want any kids?”  
“No, not totally. I mean, I was always up for the idea of adopting? There are so many kids in the adoption system and once you’re over five almost no one wants you and that’s around the age that I can kinda handle a child so that was always my plan. But I guess-” 

I touched my belly, wondering why I didn’t feel anything, was I supposed to yet? How far along was I? Was chronic anxiety and vomiting normal?   
Dan looked up, hopeful at my pause, his leg stopped moving.

“-I guess I like you well enough, and I’m stable enough too with finances that I could help support a child. So like, If you’re in- And I mean really in and willing… Then, I guess, I wouldn’t be against it?”

Maybe I was just too much of a sucker for him, but the way he grinned, so excited and that on the edge of crying kind of happy, something inside of me just skipped. I couldn’t let this much happy flow so I cut him off with the ultimatum;   
“But you’re changing the majority of the diapers buddy. And all vomit is on you, I’m a sympathy puker.”  
“I work with Arin I can handle a little shit and vomit.”  
“Okay you are the second person today to bring that up. I actually thought you were embellishing when you said he’s shit himself at your work, but how often does this happen?”  
“More than once is too often already so…”  
“Ok back to being a sympathy puker, lets drop this topic cus yikes.”

After a moment of quiet, less awkward but still a little tense I started talking again.   
You’re taking this rather well though, no classical freaking out?”

“Eh, I’m 37 now, I mean this is my first pregnancy scare to be honest, but I dunno. On one hand it doesn’t seem real, on the other hand I think I’m just delayed reaction freaking out. But I mean you’re pretty calm too.”  
“Also probably delayed reaction, but I think most people with uteri generally have prepared themselves for the day somethin’ll fuck up. Plus yeah I guess I’m old too.”  
“Wait… Are you calling me old?”  
“How long are we supposed to wait on those?”

Dan gave me a wry look but took the bait checking the box. “Five minutes.”  
“How long it’s been?”  
“Like… maybe five?”  
“Which one was yours?”

Dan picked them both up from next to him and frowned.  
“Shit I don’t actually remember.”  
“What do they say?”  
“One negative, one positive.”  
“Fuck… Ok so… Either I’m pregnant, or you’ve got testicular cancer.”  
“Wait- What??”  
“Men getting a false positive on a pregnancy test is a sign of cancer.”

Dan’s eyes got bigger as he looked back at the sticks.  
“Is that why you had me take one?”  
“Yeah.”  
“Fucking… You’d better be pregnant.”

—

I was going home.

The idea of being in the United States without insurance and while pregnant honestly terrified me, Dan offered to pay for me to visit a clinic but I didn’t want the hassle of having to deal with an unfamiliar system and then get some ridiculous bill at the end. Dan didn’t want me driving back on my own either so as much as it frustrated him he was going to take off a few days so we could go back together over the weekend and make the appointment my roommate made for me that Monday.

Dan didn’t mention why he needed the time off, only that I did need to see a doctor and so he was taking me home to get the care I needed for a week and then we’d see what we’d see by the end of it.   
If he would be coming back with me, or without.   
Arin and the rest didn’t question too deeply, after all they had seen that I’d been sick and if this was some breakdown or an actual illness they didn’t want to press into my personal life. Only working to help Dan record enough episodes to make up for his time away, and set him up so he could record some solo episodes while in Canada on his laptop. 

It was an awkward trip back, a tension between us wasn’t terrible, but we weren’t sure what to do with it. I didn’t really want to talk about the possibility of baby names, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to tell my parents and I wouldn’t let Dan tell his just yet. I’d said yes but I was still somewhat on the fence, I felt ashamed of being pregnant out of wedlock even though I’d never planned on getting married (and I never planned on having kids) I didn’t want the judgement of my parents or friends and family. 

Not that they really would but I still worried about it.

I wondered if this newfound anxiety was due to the trauma of what we’d been through or the pregnancy. I’d always been able to handle it before but more and more I felt my emotions spiralling out of my control.

“Your place is really cute.” Dan commented as he came inside. My roommate and I were in a small townhouse, two floors but it was like a duplex got split 4 ways instead of two, the houses were quite small but between two people it was nice. Not like Dan’s place which was quite a lot bigger, but more than enough for two busy women to keep clean and stylish.

“Get out of my house!” Came a yell from the upstairs, my roommate’s kind greeting.  
“I’ll fight you bitch!” I called back.   
“Now listen here you who-er!” She came down the stairs holding out a hand to greet Dan. “Hey, I’m Marie.”  
“Dan, I’ve heard a lot about you.” He grinned, his smile flickering a little when he saw her face go tight as he’d followed her lead and given her his bad hand in the handshake, his missing fingers briefly throwing her off, making her somewhat rudely look down at his hand before her gaze snapped back up.  
“Likewise. So… Y’got my friend knocked up.”  
“Jesus fucking- Marie!”  
“What?! He did!”

Dan was laughing throwing up his hands in defeat “I suppose I did.”  
“Youuuu Hussies~” She hissed at us both in jest.   
“Oh blow me.” I snapped back, no venom in it because we were basically sisters who just liked each other more.

I bullied Dan inside directing him to the sofa and throwing Marie’s cat “Old Man” Marbles into his lap while I made us both tea and caught up with my roommate, Dan throwing his questions and thoughts into the conversation which between the three of us quickly spiralled out of control ending somewhere around 1am with us talking about how society would be if Men could rip off and regrow their penises like octopus. 

“Like instead of catcalling it’d be dick chucking.”  
“Oh god imagine a mom like finding a bunch of dicks under her son’s bed instead of dirty socks?”  
“But you’re saying the guy would still feel his dick somehow right? Like is there a timing on that? So could I be in a meeting or dinner with my grandma and suddenly some lady starts riding my boner and I’m all “uuggh heeeyyy these peas wow sure nice” uuggghh” Dan made a guttural cumming noise.   
“Yeah would they even be one use only?”  
“What if a dog got one?”

It was a lot of fun, being in an environment I was familiar with and comfortable in, having Dan there. I felt better than I had in a long time.

I wish I could have held onto that night forever.

But the next morning I was stuck gripping Dan’s hand while in a doctor’s office surrounded by other people, trying not to feel judged, as if everyone else in the office were looking at us, judging me for being some unmarried slut.

I didn’t really feel that way, but it was like there was this negative blanket over me screaming the worst things possible directly into my mind.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to come in with you?” Dan asked as my name was called.  
“Yeah it’ll be fine.”

Famous last words.


	6. The Modern Leper

Dan was playing with one of the kids when I came out. Sitting crosslegged on the floor with the old toy that was in every doctors office I’ve ever been to, a bunch of twisting wires and multicoloured blocks that you pushed along them, smiling and talking with the little boy and his mom like it was the most natural thing in the world.

I ducked quietly away standing closer to the nurses desk out of view waiting to get my prescription, even going so far as to head outside to the pharmacy next door to fill it out before coming back. 

“Dan? You ready to go?” I smiled at him biting my tongue, joking even. “Or do you wanna keep playing with your new friend?”  
Dan grinned back at me saying goodbye to the kid and his mom, I gave her the pleasant nod of greeting but marched out maybe a little too quick to be normal, I just needed some air and the cold outside was a familiar enough chill to help cool the bubbling feelings inside me.

“Hey you were in there for a while, is everything okay?” Dan asked catching up while I breezed to my car.  
“Yeah I’m fine.”

Dan knew.

The second those clipped words were out of my mouth, no matter the smile pasted politely on my face he knew.

“What—”  
“Don’t worry about it, it’s fine.”  
“Oh-“ The colour drained from his face and he was approaching me. “Oh baby no.”

“Don’t.” I begged softly, wrapping my own arms around myself looking down and clenching my jaw, wanting the ice from before to come for me, to wrap up these feelings that were threatening to cut me in half and put them far away where I wouldn’t ever have to deal with them. But Dan ignored me and I could feel his arms around me, pressing my face into his chest, his lips against my hair, his heat keeping that cold at bay, leaving me whispering against him, “I’m fine, it’s fine.” hoping that I was speaking the truth.

“I’m sorry, I-I’m so- so sorry.” He squeezed tighter his voice cracking and arms shaking as he held me and I could feel him crying.

Crying for what we didn’t have.

I felt numb, distant, sick.

But mostly tired.

I was tired and just wanted to go home.

Dan cried himself out and I just slipped out of his arms and got in the car, waited for him to follow, and ignored the worried, red eyed looks he was giving me as I drove home. I wasn’t even sure if he followed me into the house, I didn’t care all I wanted was to turn on the heater in my room, crank my electric blanket to the highest setting and lay there until—

“I just want to take a nap ok?” I asked a hand in my hair and the dip of the bed bringing me out of my pit.  
“Can I lay with you?”  
“It’s fine.”

Strong arms, my nose pressed to a warm chest, a familiar smell.

And a new emptiness in me where once there had been the flicker of a dream.

——

Dan stayed.

He stayed until the cramping had passed, until he knew I was physically healthy at least.

He stayed until I went to see a therapist with him, insisting on at least one visit.

He stayed until I finally cried, until he felt that maybe I had mourned what never would be.

And then he flew home, to his home, where his life had been kindly put on hold for too long and was now begging for his return. 

And I was alone.

Maybe as I was always meant to be.

——

“So how have you been?”

“I’ve… Been okay, a little tired today, I didn’t get much sleep last night.”  
“Oh? Why’s that?”  
“Just, I dunno- my brain just kind of wouldn’t turn off last night, just thinking about a lot of stuff.”  
“What kind of stuff?”  
“I dunno just stuff, like I can’t really remember it but I’ll be like, right about to drop off and then I’ll get like some thought and be like ‘oh shit yeah I should think about that’ and then be y’know just up, only it’ll be something dumb like a conversation I had a year ago and how I could have had it different or something that doesn’t matter so I’ll push it aside and start drifting only for another thought to come up.”

“Anything specific that jumps out, are they nightmares, or flashbacks?”

“Some- Yeah like sometimes. Like just, things I should have said, or choices we made that like… If we’d just made them different would it have been better or worse? Just, lots of stuff and it’s just kinda driving me nuts.”

“Hey, that’s okay, you’re always going to have the memories, but with time they’re not going to be as painful. You didn’t have a lot of control then but you are in control now, you just have to remember that. Has there been anything triggering all this?”

“No… Ye-N- Yeah kinda? Just stupid fucking little stuff like, like when a record hits the end of the track and you get that static something about that just-“ Hands up making a clawing motion to show that the feeling was a crawling choking one, “Or like I hear the screech of tires on the road when someone’s peeling out? Fuck like even when the air conditioner is on too low at work and I get a chill and it just- Just…”

“Take your time it’s ok.”

Dan flexed his good hand taking in a deep breath and letting it out a few times, just thinking about this stuff, even talking about it with his psychiatrist made it feel like he was drowning, things never used to be this bad, not for a long time but since he’d gotten home it was just getting worse. 

“How have things been with the medication?”

“Better. My stomach’s evened out now and I’m not as like super fucking tired all the time like with the other stuff.” Dan didn’t want to be on medication but he didn’t mind that he was, it did help, he slept more now, during times when he was supposed to be sleeping, maybe even a bit when he wasn’t. He was still scared and anxious a lot but it was in more controllable levels. The first set of medication he’d been put on were just too strong, he felt stoned and exhausted, the next ones just tore his innards to shreds, third time seemed to be the charm.

It wasn’t perfect but… 

He just wished she was there. 

It was masculine pride that kept him from saying so to anyone else but to himself he could quietly admit that she made him feel safe, safer than anything else. They’d been through hell and back and the entire time she’d been the one to pull him along, drag him forward, without her there he just didn’t know.

And he felt guilty, an unbelievable washing guilt that kept him up and driven him to working himself ill because he couldn’t stop.

Because if he stopped he had to think.

And remember.

And feel.

Arin and Brian both had to stage an intervention, after a few weeks of him throwing himself into work, demanding to record every second they could, letting the episodes run long, recording solo one-offs when Arin wasn’t around, coming in with far too many stacks of notes on new songs for Brian than anyone who was sleeping had time to write. Considering how the notes would start careening up the page, barely making sense it was clear Dan hadn’t been sleeping.

Dragged into therapy he didn’t have a problem with that, after all he saw a therapist once in a while his appointment just got moved up from where he’d pushed it back maybe a few-too-may-times. It took a while, talking about how he couldn’t sleep, how he felt on edge a lot, how he hated being alone but also scared of too many people, he agreed to medication because he knew if he didn’t he’d start smoking pot again, he’d already found it far too tempting to drink. 

He needed this.

To heal.

But guilt was eating at him like the acid in his stomach because while he’d tried when he was there, while he at least got her in to see a shrink of her own, ultimately Dan left.   
She hadn’t even pushed him away, she just hadn’t fought at all to keep him there.

And when she didn’t call neither did he.

He wasn’t joking about his new house being his forever home, he didn’t want to leave it, absolutely didn’t want to sell it, and at his age completely didn’t want to go back to having a roommate.   
But he took the excuse of renovating it to bounce around between his friend’s guest rooms and sofa’s, needing to feel other people around him, not being able to stand his place so empty. 

It took a few weeks before he was finally able to sit down with Brian, knowing the older man while he played the asshole, did know when Dan needed him to be his true confidante. 

It was hard for Dan to figure out how to talk to him, so he invited himself over and after a wonderful dinner and helping put Audrey to sleep Dan pulled Brian into his office and just blurted it out.

“She was pregnant.”

It took a moment for Brian to figure out what Dan was talking about. He’d sat down and Dan was still at the door looking like one of his students who was about to flunk his class. Guilty and stressed to the bone, looking at his shoes when he just spat out the sentence offering nothing else for context except his obvious feelings of shame.

“She… Was?” Brian repeated back at him slow realization dawning on the older man. “It was—“ Dan was already nodding.  
“Did she get—“ A head shake.

“Miscarriage.” Dan whispered still not looking up, holding it together until Brain grabbed him, letting himself sag against the older man, not crying, no he’d already cried enough, but clinging to him because he understood.

He had what Dan could have had.

“We didn’t know— We didn’t know and then when we did it was too late.”  
“Did you two break up?”  
“No? I don’t know. I just- I needed to come back, I wanted to get back to work.”  
“Dan we would have understood if you two needed more time-”  
“Brian I-“ Dan pulled back still not looking very comforted by his confession. “Am I a bad person that I don’t want more time?”  
“Come here, sit down.” Brian was going full father mode on Dan pulling him to sit down, holding his hands to help calm him. Maybe something coming from his days as a teacher, being able to be gentle with students who were on the edge of something too big and painful for them. “What do you mean?”

“I- Fuck I don’t really know I just-“ Dan had been working towards this with his therapist, talking about not being able to settle down, needing to move, feeling the need to run away but from no one else but himself. “I don’t want to be alone, I don’t want things to be quiet and empty. Things… Out there when I was- It was so quiet out there Bri, and I can’t fucking stand it anymore. And after we-“

“Take your time Danny, breathe.” Brian squeezed Dan’s hands tight, bringing him back.

“She was quiet and just sad and Marie, her roommate, was gone working most of the day and it was driving me insane. I know- I know I should have stayed, that she needed me but I fucking couldn’t deal with it. God we lost- Sh- She lost and I fucking—“ Now Dan was crying, his voice cracking as he finally confessed what had been really eating at him, that he couldn’t help her, that he was weak and scared and useless and it made that void in him ache with self loathing that he was trying to cover with work but there was never enough work to truly keep it at bay.

“Dan you’re not a bad person.” 

Hearing it from a friend, from Brian who was honest with him even when things were low, did help stem Dan’s tears, letting him pull himself back together sniffing wetly.

“You’re just a person, who has been though more shit than most people could imagine. That might have been a bit of a dick move-“  
Dan coughed a harsh laugh unexpecting the criticism.  
“-But it doesn’t make you bad, you’re grieving too, and sometimes all you can do is deal with your own grief.”

“Thanks… I mean I still kinda fucking hate myself but it does help to at least get it out.”  
“Am I the first person you’ve told about this?”  
Dan nodded. “She didn’t want to announce the pregnancy because we were still working out the logistics of it and then… Well I guess it didn’t matter anyway.”  
“Dan it clearly matters.”  
“Yeah I know.” Dan let go of Brian’s hands, leaning back in the chair and rubbing at his eyes. “I just don’t know what to do.”

“Call her.”  
Dan took a breath like he was about to argue but Brian wasn’t hearing it.  
“Call her. Tell her you’re sorry for leaving. And if you haven’t completely fucked things up with her, bring her back here.”  
“Bri-“  
“Dan.” Now Brian was giving him the full force of his taking no shit voice. “The two of you need to work this out together, and you can’t do that if you won’t even talk to each other. Call her. She needs you just as much as you need her.”  
“Yeah I—“  
“Call.”  
“Jesus like what right fucking now?”  
“Sure, it’s not that late, and this way you can’t puss out.”

Dan stared at Brian hard, pointing a finger at the man. “I love you but fuck you so much.”  
“Call-“  
“YEAH OKAY DAD GOD.”

“You know I love it when you call me Daddy.”

Dan laughed, amused in equal parts to being uncomfortable, but glad that Brian was there, making him feel better, normal, a human that didn’t need to be coddled or watched over.

Well he did feel watched over, Brian giving him his classic death stare as Dan made his call standing up and pacing the room while the phone rang, and rang, and rang.

He was a little surprised that a messaging system wasn’t picking up as he counted to seven before she finally did.

“Hello?”  
“Hey.”

That was all he had, a dumb “Hey” and then his brain immediately checked out.

He stopped short, his hand tangling up into his hair, pulling at it hoping the pain would focus him back to being able to say something. 

“I miss you.”

Brian took that as his que to leave, giving Dan a pat on the back on his way out. 

“I’ve- I dunno just everything feels wrong because you’re not here and I mean if you don’t want to see me anymore that’s okay I understand but I- I just- I just really miss you.”

He knew she was still on the line, he could hear her breathing hitch as she was trying to find the right thing to say and couldn’t. 

“At least tell me you’re taking care of yourself. Are you still seeing the therapist?”  
“Yeah.”  
“Good! Good… I am too, on medication as well to help me sleep or at least like relax a bit. Are you eating?”  
“Yeah.”  
“Sleeping?”  
“Yeah.” Her voice shifted there.  
“Are you okay?”  
“I don’t know yet.”  
“Do you want to come back?”

Quiet again, Dan could feel his heart beating in his chest, counting out five thumps. “Do you want me to come there?”  
“No.”

He tried not to feel rejected, she wasn’t saying it was over, not yet at least.

“Is it okay if I come back?” Her voice was small and tired. “I just- I’m so tired all the time.”  
“Of course.”  
“Really?”  
“Yes, I miss you so much.”

It wasn’t perfect, it wasn’t a plan, but it was something.

And that was good enough.


	7. No happy ending

Getting better is never an overnight event.   
It is a long slog of hard conversations and cold nights on a sofa. It’s knowing exactly what buttons to push and just what words to say to hurt someone the most.

It’s falling to your knees in the middle of the night sobbing and begging forgiveness and learning to be a better person the next morning. 

It calling out your own shit more than you call out another persons.

I was depressed and so was Dan but we were the best thing for each other which was rare. Dan had dealt with depression before, he was surrounded by friends who had given up, or were giving up, unhealthy coping mechanisms and going to therapy and wouldn’t let us slip through the cracks. 

So we talked.  
I went to therapy.  
We went to couples counselling.

And after a few months.

I moved in.

It wasn’t happily ever after, but then nothing ever is. 

It was the day after that, and the day after that. Days where Dan would leave home and come back to me being in the exact same position.   
Days where I would have cleaned every inch of his house and yard for lack of anything else to do but unable to actually leave the property.

Days where he wouldn’t mind, or be pissed off about either one.

“I PAY people to do these things for a reason, look it’s FINE if you want to but fucking tell me that you can be reliable to do it so I don’t have to waste my fucking money!”  
“Stop moving my shit!”  
“Didn’t you fucking do anything today?”

“I love you, thank you for doing this for me.”   
“Are you feeling okay today?”  
“Do you need me to call your therapist?”

It didn’t bother me that Dan could sometimes be hot and cold, I was too, he was working on it, but letting go of his fear, anger, disappointment, and especially guilt was difficult. 

But if anyone understood it was me.

His friends patience came from being his friend, forcing themselves to think of his situation, to imagine what he’d been through, to wait for him to open up about what had happened so they could at least on some level understand why some days he would be the same person they all knew and loved, and some days he really wouldn’t be. 

My patience with him came from knowing exactly how he was feeling. 

It came from me wanting him to be patient in return when I exploded right back at him on the days where he couldn’t stand to be alone, on the days after when he refused too look at me suddenly he couldn’t stand to be apart, on the days when I needed silence and he needed to fill his world with noise. 

It was hard.

But isn’t life always?

Our new phrase was “I love you even if…” followed by some statement of frustration because it was true, we loved each other, even if if was hard work not to murder one another sometimes.

It took a while for me to feel that emptiness fill again. The world just needed to give us one last parting shot in the nuts and I had a harder time walking this one off. I’d said I never wanted to have kids, but there’s never wanting them, and losing one, that broke me in a whole new way.

I bought a tree, researching carefully for a native plant to California, something that much like a child would need my care at first, but would then grow into its own entity, that would live beyond me comfortably with the strong roots I helped it develop.

And after making my choice it was nice to think that if I was still here in three years or so, we’d have cherries.

Dan helped me pick up the tree, to plant it, and finally, to talk about what happened.

It had been months and yet this was probably the first time outside of small one word answers in counselling that we’d actually talked about our loss.

It wasn’t perfect.

But it was a new start.

And we were in it together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the end?
> 
> There are clips of things I never was able to put in that I might be able to sneak in via another re-write but we'll see I have no real plans to do a re-write but I never planned on re-writing this in the first place so who knows.


End file.
